Targeted Behavior

I love Target. Target is one of those places we visit frequently and where I could drop $500 a month easily. I don’t, but I could. I’m just saying. I love that I can find Halloween costumes, a bicycle pump, moisturizer, scotch tape and Ho-Hos all in the same place. While we were tooling around the new grocery section on a recent pilgrimage, a mom with two small children called out to Grant to ask if he could help her reach some wine bottles on an upper shelf. My husband being the affable guy he is said sure and got them down for her.

Now, Grant is happy to help others, and someone asking for his help isn’t the most blog-worthy thing in the world, so you might be wondering why I am commenting on this. Well, the reason the woman chose Grant to help her is the reason for this post. The woman said she felt comfortable asking Grant for help because she had heard him yelling at our kids and she totally understood. Apparently, after overhearing Grant talking to the kids (she said yelling), she felt a particular kinship with Grant and felt confident asking him for help. Weird! We decided that the request, couched in her terms, was indeed strange, for many reasons including the following:

#1. Grant wasn’t yelling at the kids. I have heard my husband yell, and believe me, it is not a subtle thing. You will know when he is. Instead, he was telling them in a rather stern voice that he was tired of their not listening and following directions and would they please follow the cart so as not to get lost and so that he could tell them where we were going next. Taking twins with ADHD (one who cannot stop talking and the other who could get lost in a closet) out anywhere is a challenge, and I’m the first to admit, it’s easy to lose patience with them, but Grant’s voice was nowhere near a code red.

This woman could have referred to his “reprimanding” or could have said, “I overheard you talking to your kids, and I totally sympathize,” or she could have NOT SAID ANYTHING AT ALL and given him a knowing smile or a nod of understanding. However, even those options seem weird. Why not just ask Grant for help with no commentary? Most people ask for a simple favor without needing to invoke the “it’s okay if you lost patience with your kids” club membership. Perhaps she thought Grant would be embarrassed that someone overheard him, so she was trying to say that it was okay. Maybe she had just laid into her kids and she wanted to feel better herself. Not sure. But it seems that using eavesdropping as a basis for a request conveys the idea that Grant will be obliged to help her out of guilt at his “lapse” and that to refuse her really means he’s guilty.

#2. She commented on our parenting skills, even if it was to show solidarity. I’ll admit that I assume – incorrectly, of course – that all of my parenting moments take place in a vacuum. I know this is not true, but I’ve really never had anyone comment or applaud after I do or say something. Most just go on their merry way, judging silently, (which is what I do). I’ve overheard other parents in a store doing something that I wouldn’t do, but I keep these comments to myself. I think, “Wow. She’s stressed. Been there,” or occasionally: “Wow. I’m so glad I’m not her kid;” or “Wow. That was a great way to handle that question. Gotta remember that.” I think it is part of human nature to assess others’ parenting styles and solutions because we are searching for ways to validate ours. However, we don’t normally comment out loud to the other parent or rate them or say, “Because of what you did, you are now beholden to me for a brief amount of time.”

#3. The woman really wanted her wine. I feel her pain. I really do. She had two little ones in her cart and she couldn’t reach the top shelf. Dammit! So, rather than going on a search for the closest Target employee, she found the closest human who could actually reach the stuff. She wanted/needed those particular bottles, and Grant was the key to her getting her booze. Okay, perhaps I’m overdoing it, but it does seem as if she pulled out all the stops to just get this one thing done. I do know how she feels. When you are running errands by yourself with lots of kids hanging in and out of your cart, sometimes you just have to say, “I’m overwhelmed; please help me” so that you can get your errand done and go home. Maybe she was at that point. I’m just not sure why she didn’t just politely ask for a hand and then say thank you and move on. Wine causes people to do crazy things, but that’s usually after you drink it.

This poor woman. She’s in my blog now and all she wanted was a little help. I don’t think she planned on being judged, nor do I think she really meant any harm by what she said. It’s just another instance where human beings try to connect on some level but miss. We have all said things in a way that was misconstrued by the person on the other end. Sometimes the baggage we bring to an encounter keeps us from understanding someone’s true motivations or message. Ah well. Just another day at Target. Next time we’ll stay out of the wine aisle and keep our voices down.